Whenever I talk to a prospective reconciliation client I always begin by asking if they have sent a “dressed letter” to their ex. A dressed letter is a hand written letter or card. The “dressed” part refers to the age old practice of dusting the letter with a magical, ritually appropriate sachet powder. Sachet powders are used in old fashioned Conjure & cunning work, but magical powders are prevalent around the world. A magical powder can be as simple as finely ground herbs & roots chosen for their specific properties. They can also be elaborately crafted powders combining raw herbal material with essential or ritual oils blended into a base of talc or arrowroot powder, or they can be mass produced cheap powders that are basically baby powder with some added scent and red dye #4. Obviously when I tell people to dress a letter I want them to use the good stuff-either high quality sachet powders or finely ground herbs. And in my last Q n Action video (which are sent out in the monthly newsletters, hint, hint!) I show you how to dress a letter with sachet powder. But today I want to focus on why I recommend that you write, in hand, a letter to your ex. The big question is often: why write a letter at all? The answers deal with the intersection between ritual magic and practical good sense.
Writing makes us honest
In her bestselling book Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg writes about why writing with a pen and paper makes us more honest. There is a heart to hand connection and you can allow your thoughts to spill across the page. It is a physical exercise that involves your whole body as well as your mind. You can feel it and you can see it when people are really writing-there is a relaxation, a hanging loose that comes over their entire body. If there is ever a time to be honest it is when we are on a relationship threshold-unsure of what our next move will be-but sure that it will be big and life changing.
Writing makes us clear:
In emotionally hot situations it is hard to speak clearly, its hard to listen with an open heart-writing allows you to take time to think about what you want to say *and* how to best say it. One of the most common mistakes people make when disagreeing or arguing is that they feel determined to have *their* say and not listen to the other person. There are many conflict resolution tips that can be helpful when you are trying to craft your letter-those that I recommend you at least pay attention to are:
Don’t Assume-that he doesn’t care about you as much as his last girlfriend, that she thinks she could do better, that he doesn’t like to talk to you, that she’s bored with the sex. Assumptions are death blows in conversations-they piss the person off you are making assumptions about (even if you are right), and more importantly they send out a signal that you have already “figured” it out, made up your mind, and know what your partner is thinking-so why should they talk to you anyway? Ask questions. Do you feel this way? Use “I” statements- I sometimes think that when we talk about this you get upset because…Explain that what you see is your perception and that therefore you know its only one way of looking at the situation and that you might be wrong.
Listen-to what your beloved says. If they tell you that they don’t love you as much as you love them, take a breath, maybe walk away for a moment, but don’t assume (see above) that they are lying, scared, or afraid of commitment. They are speaking their truth. It may not be the whole truth, but its powerful enough that they are saying it to you so pay attention.
Avoid dissecting past events/mistakes- For my clients, this is the 4 of Cups card in the Tarot that I sometimes talk about, let it go and put it away. If he cheated on you 3 years ago and you forgave him then NOW is not the time to throw that back into his face. If you realize that you never really did forgive him then that is a different story-write about it. If she broke up with you 6 months ago and then y’all got back together don’t rake her over the coals about it-deal with the issue that is causing a problem right now.
Remember- why you love him. Remember why you want it to work out with her. Ask yourself, do you really? Are you coming from a place of love & devotion or from a place of fear of flying solo? Fear-based romantic relationships are not lasting or fulfilling in my experience.
Get English 101- you may have to pre-write, you may have to collage, you may have to write several drafts before you have the one you are ready to send. Dust off that composition notebook, sharpen those pencils and go!
Factor these suggestions into your writing-it will help you get clearer on what you need to say and it will help you get listened to.
Writing is a sacrifice
Sometimes I mention writing a letter and immediately get a flat “no, I would never do that.” I politely tell the client that if they are not willing to hear me out on why writing a letter might be a good idea then I am not going to work with them on a reconciliation. If you aren’t willing to sacrifice some time, effort, maybe pride, energy, and truth on the altar of love and reconciliation-then ritual work will not help you. The point of a real letter for reconciliation is that you tell your beloved how you feel-this is the moment where you are most vulnerable, most honest, most raw. Its not a “comfortable” place nor should it be. A stiff upper lip and biting pride will not get you there. Humility and devotion will. With that said, it also does not need to be tear soaked and blood stained (although your letter might end up looking that way)-it just needs to be real and to reflect as clearly as possible what you really think and feel.
So go on, write your heart out. And for those lovers who are happy in their relationship-Valentine’s day is a great day to write a love letter to you honey!